We Never Know

Today after dropping my husband off at the metro so he can go to work, I had many different things go through my mind that I have been wanting and needing to do to help through the grief. The first thing I did though was to go to the coffee shop near where I used to work. I got a coffee and breakfast. Normally I hurry myself and take my items to go, but this time I stayed and enjoyed a peaceful morning without having to worry about everything else. However, I did research what it means to be a submissive wife and how to be under my husband’s authority. Being a strong independent individual, I am able to sustain myself without a mate, but I love my husband and couldn’t imagine life without him. For the past several months we have been having same thoughts and completing each others sentences. This is a wonderful level of intimacy we are able to share. There is nothing in the world like your significant other knowing what you are thinking before you say it. He is my world.

After breakfast I called the hospital and asked to speak with someone in authority. Finally I am ready to speak with someone in a position to review my experience in their care and hopefully handle this. Considering my call was forwarded to an answering machine, I left a message. While on the phone with my company to find a counselor to speak with about the grief and trauma I had gone through, the customer service from the hospital called and left a message. After setting myself up with a counselor, I called the hospital customer service and explained what happened and where this has left me today. She apologized and is going to help me out. She explained to me that the hospital is going through training their staff on how to have compassion towards their patients and be more sympathetic by not looking at us a bodies, but people with emotions. Personally, this is a grand step in the right direction for me.

My love for my heavenly father extends beyond any words or human emgriefotions that I can express. But my heart still asks, why? Why did I have to experience this? Is it so I can help someone in the future who has a miscarriage? Was it so that I can share with the hospital my experience so they can see where they need to make corrections before something more horrible happens in the future?

We never know why we are where we are or even the purpose of what we experience. But at least we know, we are not alone, we have a loving heavenly father who watches over and protects us, and that everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today and perhaps not tomorrow, but eventually we will be fine.



There Is Power In Healing

Personally, I am a hard and dedicated worker. Dedicated to the point that there are many days I forget to eat or I don’t leave my seat unless I need to go to the ladies room. After taking care of personal matters I am back at my desk continuing my work. Great work ethics were instilled in me as a child. Both of my parents were wonderful examples of what it means to have great work ethics. My parents taught me what it means to follow through with what I am working on and how to think about the task in front of me. They taught me that I want to get along with my coworkers and my management. I was taught to respect authority. Because of this, I fear losing my job because, I don’t want to make anyone mad. Now, this isn’t anyone’s fault that I feel like this, but early in my career I was let go for stupid things. I was learning how to be a programmer. In order to do something well, you have to ask questions. You have to ask questions for a few reasons. You need to know what is going on and to ensure you are thinking the same thing the team is thinking before moving forward on a task and essentially wasting resources. Anyhow, that is in the past.

Yesterday, I met with my doctor and shared with her everything that happened at the hospital and how it hfloweras impacted me since the trauma. She checked my mental any physical health. She wanted to know why I hurt during intimacy. At first she thought it could be a mentalĀ  attachment to what happened during the experience at the hospital during the miscarriage. She checked me and found out there is a physical aspect as to why I hurt. She asked what happened and I shared with her that I didn’t take time to recover mentally. I kept myself busy, pushing it all aside, not allowing it to bother me, because I am a strong woman and I don’t want nor need anyone to feel for me or think that I am weak. Unfortunately it has caught up with me. There have been many days that I find myself wanting to be alone, crying in a corner, and not wanting anyone to rescue me. There are days where I feel that I was violated by the hospital and don’t want intimacy. Sounds strange, but a feeling one gets after being raped. Normally I am on top of what is going on around me. Lately, I haven’t cared about what is going on around me. When I smile, I try to mean it, but I am torn inside, crying, and upset with the entire event. I don’t even want to continue in my current career path. I want to change my career path. After sharing this with my doctor, she said she wants me to have time away from work and to re-evaluate me in two weeks before I can return. She gave me a note to send to my employer.

When leaving her office, I contacted the health and hr to get this taken care of. Then I contacted my manager who is a wonderful, wonderful man. I let him know what was going on and he was I guess I can say neutral. He says, he wants me to get better. See, I have also been missing days here and there because I have been needing time away to figure out what has been going on. Now I can, now I have at least 2 weeks. This may not be enough time, but it is better than no time. Why am I feeling guilty about taking this time for myself to heal? My husband is supporting me, wants me to get healthy too,peace and is telling me not to think of work. As difficult as it may be, I will do my best.

During this time, I will be spending time with my heavenly Father and allow Him to heal me.

—-Healing is powerful—-




Now I Know

Now I know why I was unable to sleep. January 23rd, I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant! I began writing to my child in a journal letting them know how much I loved them and couldn’t wait to see them. Each day was greater than the next! My husband and I went to the maternity store to get clothes for the pregnancy. Then it began.

While pregnant, I noticed some pain. Pain that I experience during my monthy. So, feeling this pain while pregnant, I was terrified that I would lose my baby. The women at the maternity store shared that this was normal and the baby was adjusting themselves. Hearing this was normal, I allowed any anxiety to go away.

At work we are not allowed to park in the parking lot. So, we have to park along the street, but not in front of the bus stops nor in other parking lots due to being towed away. There was a front gate and a back gate, but the back gate was closed. Now we have to park behind the building outside the gate and walk around to the front gate to go in and the opposite way to the car. Also, if we park along the side streets across the street, we have to be careful not to get hit by cars crossing the street. I was almost hit twice!

February came and nearing the end of the month I was feeling lower abdominal pains. Not to long after feeling pain, I began bleeding. This being a huge concern for me, I contacted my midwife. My midwife said to keep my feet up and to take off from work. Well, I had so much to do that I decided to work from home, but instead of keeping my feet up, I was sitting at my desk. That night the pain became more extreme and I looked at my husband and told him we need to go to the ER. I tried to hold off, but I couldn’t any longer. 7am the following morning, I woke my husband up and said we need to get to the ER now. We left home to the hospital where they sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me over to ER.

My husband was so good to me, as he always is. We waited for the doctor who said I would need and ultrasound. She pulled my gown up and put gel on my stomach. She then proceeded to place the ultrasound device on my stomach and the pressure was very bad. It hurt, I even asked her why she was pressing so hard. She replied, it needed to have that much pressure so she could see if there is anything there. She then told me that I was going to be taken for an internal ultrasound.

My husband and I waited awhile before the ultrasound techs came to wheel me away. When they finally came for me, they took me into a room. Not only did the doctor press very hard on me with the ultrasound machine, so did the tech. I asked what she was doing because she was putting circles and x’s in different areas of the ultrasound. She told me she was not allowed to tell me anything. She also performed an internal ultrasound. I commented this was hurting and it feels like she shouldn’t go that far up. This stick looking thing was put inside me and she moved it around jabbing my insides. I was crying and bitting my teeth due to the pain. I was bleeding everywhere and embarrassed. I asked for mesh panties and a new pad which was given to me.

My husband and I were brought back to our area in the ER. While waiting for the doctor my husband was making me laugh to keep my mind off what was going on. Then the billing lady comes in and asks us how are we going to pay for our services today. REALLY?? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I just had a miscarriage, just came out of a room where a stick was being jabbed deep inside me and haven’t even spoken to the Dr. yet. And you want me to tell you how I am going to pay for this? Right now??? Really??? My husband told her we will handle it when we leave.

The doctor finally came in my room and told me they found nothing with the ultrasound. She said there was no fetal tissue. She told me the chromosomes didn’t line up properly and couldn’t form a sustaining life in this world. She spoke about how her dad writes poetry for women who have miscarriages. It is normal to lose a child in the first trimester. I was 9 weeks. They never asked if I wanted to see the sonograms. She wrote a prescription for pain meds, 800 mg Tylenol. What is ironic is, while in the ER I wasn’t given pain meds and my blood had to be drawn several times for the stupid pink vial. The first time the lab denied it. The second time it was denied due to the label not being correct. The third time they finally accepted the blood.

Sunday, I sat in the bath because I was in alot of pain. When I stood up there was a clot that fell out of me. I thought it was only a clot so I let it go down the drain and used the sprayer, but there was something that wouldn’t go down. I picked it up and I had seen a left hand, two legs, knees, ankles and feet. In devistation I called out to my husband to show him. I took pictures of what I was holding, my baby. We didn’t know what to do with the little body. I put him in the camode and flushed it. What did I do?? I flushed my baby. But, I had no idea what else to do.

The following day we went to the doctors office, not the ER doctor, thankfully. She looked at the pictures and told me that was exactly what I thought.

I was floored! How could the ER not see anything? They were pressing mighty hard on my external and internal, they should have seen something!

I tried going back to work on Tuesday, but couldn’t. My company allowed me to take the rest of this week and next off. I could have taken more, but went back to work.

Now, a few months later I am still having intimacy issues due to the pain I experienced. My brain is still in a fog, still haven’t gotten beyond this no matter how deep I got into my work. I haven’t felt like me. No longer the joyful, possitive, and happy person that I used to be. Where did I go? What happened to me? Everyone was telling me that I went through a traumatic event, but it never registered. I thought, I’m a tough person, I can get through this.

I’m sure I’d be in a better place if it weren’t for the jabbing inside me with the ultrasound and them saying there was no fetal tissue only for me to see him a few days later.

If you had a miscarriage what was your experience?