Now I Know

Now I know why I was unable to sleep. January 23rd, I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant! I began writing to my child in a journal letting them know how much I loved them and couldn’t wait to see them. Each day was greater than the next! My husband and I went to the maternity store to get clothes for the pregnancy. Then it began.

While pregnant, I noticed some pain. Pain that I experience during my monthy. So, feeling this pain while pregnant, I was terrified that I would lose my baby. The women at the maternity store shared that this was normal and the baby was adjusting themselves. Hearing this was normal, I allowed any anxiety to go away.

At work we are not allowed to park in the parking lot. So, we have to park along the street, but not in front of the bus stops nor in other parking lots due to being towed away. There was a front gate and a back gate, but the back gate was closed. Now we have to park behind the building outside the gate and walk around to the front gate to go in and the opposite way to the car. Also, if we park along the side streets across the street, we have to be careful not to get hit by cars crossing the street. I was almost hit twice!

February came and nearing the end of the month I was feeling lower abdominal pains. Not to long after feeling pain, I began bleeding. This being a huge concern for me, I contacted my midwife. My midwife said to keep my feet up and to take off from work. Well, I had so much to do that I decided to work from home, but instead of keeping my feet up, I was sitting at my desk. That night the pain became more extreme and I looked at my husband and told him we need to go to the ER. I tried to hold off, but I couldn’t any longer. 7am the following morning, I woke my husband up and said we need to get to the ER now. We left home to the hospital where they sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me over to ER.

My husband was so good to me, as he always is. We waited for the doctor who said I would need and ultrasound. She pulled my gown up and put gel on my stomach. She then proceeded to place the ultrasound device on my stomach and the pressure was very bad. It hurt, I even asked her why she was pressing so hard. She replied, it needed to have that much pressure so she could see if there is anything there. She then told me that I was going to be taken for an internal ultrasound.

My husband and I waited awhile before the ultrasound techs came to wheel me away. When they finally came for me, they took me into a room. Not only did the doctor press very hard on me with the ultrasound machine, so did the tech. I asked what she was doing because she was putting circles and x’s in different areas of the ultrasound. She told me she was not allowed to tell me anything. She also performed an internal ultrasound. I commented this was hurting and it feels like she shouldn’t go that far up. This stick looking thing was put inside me and she moved it around jabbing my insides. I was crying and bitting my teeth due to the pain. I was bleeding everywhere and embarrassed. I asked for mesh panties and a new pad which was given to me.

My husband and I were brought back to our area in the ER. While waiting for the doctor my husband was making me laugh to keep my mind off what was going on. Then the billing lady comes in and asks us how are we going to pay for our services today. REALLY?? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I just had a miscarriage, just came out of a room where a stick was being jabbed deep inside me and haven’t even spoken to the Dr. yet. And you want me to tell you how I am going to pay for this? Right now??? Really??? My husband told her we will handle it when we leave.

The doctor finally came in my room and told me they found nothing with the ultrasound. She said there was no fetal tissue. She told me the chromosomes didn’t line up properly and couldn’t form a sustaining life in this world. She spoke about how her dad writes poetry for women who have miscarriages. It is normal to lose a child in the first trimester. I was 9 weeks. They never asked if I wanted to see the sonograms. She wrote a prescription for pain meds, 800 mg Tylenol. What is ironic is, while in the ER I wasn’t given pain meds and my blood had to be drawn several times for the stupid pink vial. The first time the lab denied it. The second time it was denied due to the label not being correct. The third time they finally accepted the blood.

Sunday, I sat in the bath because I was in alot of pain. When I stood up there was a clot that fell out of me. I thought it was only a clot so I let it go down the drain and used the sprayer, but there was something that wouldn’t go down. I picked it up and I had seen a left hand, two legs, knees, ankles and feet. In devistation I called out to my husband to show him. I took pictures of what I was holding, my baby. We didn’t know what to do with the little body. I put him in the camode and flushed it. What did I do?? I flushed my baby. But, I had no idea what else to do.

The following day we went to the doctors office, not the ER doctor, thankfully. She looked at the pictures and told me that was exactly what I thought.

I was floored! How could the ER not see anything? They were pressing mighty hard on my external and internal, they should have seen something!

I tried going back to work on Tuesday, but couldn’t. My company allowed me to take the rest of this week and next off. I could have taken more, but went back to work.

Now, a few months later I am still having intimacy issues due to the pain I experienced. My brain is still in a fog, still haven’t gotten beyond this no matter how deep I got into my work. I haven’t felt like me. No longer the joyful, possitive, and happy person that I used to be. Where did I go? What happened to me? Everyone was telling me that I went through a traumatic event, but it never registered. I thought, I’m a tough person, I can get through this.

I’m sure I’d be in a better place if it weren’t for the jabbing inside me with the ultrasound and them saying there was no fetal tissue only for me to see him a few days later.

If you had a miscarriage what was your experience?


7 thoughts on “Now I Know

  1. Oh my goodness. What an honest but incredibly sad post! I’m so sorry that you were not treated better. My thoughts go out to you and your husband and especially your little babe. I hope that you will be able to have another someday, if that’s what you want!

    All the best and more.



  2. My loss was in 08. I was 12 weeks.

    I knew in my heart something was wrong several weeks before that. I had gone to the er with a uti, something that had plagued the pregnancy previous to this one. They did a blood pregnancy test for some reason and my numbers were almost triple what they should have been.

    But I knew. The day I went to the ER and got the news, I actually lied and said I’d been bleeding so they would look at me. I knew for sure the moment I looked at the ultrasound. There wasn’t a flicker. There was supposed to be a flicker… I shut down that moment. I was blank. The er dr told me to go home. No meds, no I’m sorry, no nothing. Didn’t even tell me what I could expect.

    Now, I had 2 toddlers at home. I did not want to go into labor with them there and scare them, do I called a dr to do the surgery. Worst. Idea. Ever! The Dr and staff were great, but after was honestly hell.

    I wasn’t given meds, again. I was told to expect postpardem like bleeding for about a week. Well, I didn’t bleed. For 3 days everything was great, aside from the gaping hole in my heart. Then, labor hit! Wait?! Didn’t i just have a d and e to avoid this?!

    I was crying on the couch and wave after wave of contractions hit. I was vomiting from the pain. At one point I crawled to the shower and that’s when I felt the urge to push. It was terrible. I don’t know what all was in there, because I kept my eyes shut and everything went down the drain, but it wasn’t just blood…i couldn’t look.

    Then, it was over. But it wasn’t… no one told me my milk would come in even at 12 weeks. No one told me that ppd would hit. No one warned me that for everyone else, even my hubby, life would go on as normal and I’d be all alone in my grief, and become self destructive.

    Part of me died. I never got it back. But, thanks to a lot of prayer and therapy I’ve gotten a lot better. I’m holding you gently in my heart, and in prayer. Please, feel free to friend me on fb and message me if you need to talk, cry, or anything.


  3. I was 5 weeks I found out I was pregnant then three days later we had a miscarriage. Then I was 11 weeks pregnant at our first ultra sound where they were unable to find the heart beat. They then scheduled and DNC. Which I had to wait for a week to have! 😭😧


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