Personally, I am a hard and dedicated worker. Dedicated to the point that there are many days I forget to eat or I don’t leave my seat unless I need to go to the ladies room. After taking care of personal matters I am back at my desk continuing my work. Great work ethics were instilled in me as a child. Both of my parents were wonderful examples of what it means to have great work ethics. My parents taught me what it means to follow through with what I am working on and how to think about the task in front of me. They taught me that I want to get along with my coworkers and my management. I was taught to respect authority. Because of this, I fear losing my job because, I don’t want to make anyone mad. Now, this isn’t anyone’s fault that I feel like this, but early in my career I was let go for stupid things. I was learning how to be a programmer. In order to do something well, you have to ask questions. You have to ask questions for a few reasons. You need to know what is going on and to ensure you are thinking the same thing the team is thinking before moving forward on a task and essentially wasting resources. Anyhow, that is in the past.
Yesterday, I met with my doctor and shared with her everything that happened at the hospital and how it has impacted me since the trauma. She checked my mental any physical health. She wanted to know why I hurt during intimacy. At first she thought it could be a mental attachment to what happened during the experience at the hospital during the miscarriage. She checked me and found out there is a physical aspect as to why I hurt. She asked what happened and I shared with her that I didn’t take time to recover mentally. I kept myself busy, pushing it all aside, not allowing it to bother me, because I am a strong woman and I don’t want nor need anyone to feel for me or think that I am weak. Unfortunately it has caught up with me. There have been many days that I find myself wanting to be alone, crying in a corner, and not wanting anyone to rescue me. There are days where I feel that I was violated by the hospital and don’t want intimacy. Sounds strange, but a feeling one gets after being raped. Normally I am on top of what is going on around me. Lately, I haven’t cared about what is going on around me. When I smile, I try to mean it, but I am torn inside, crying, and upset with the entire event. I don’t even want to continue in my current career path. I want to change my career path. After sharing this with my doctor, she said she wants me to have time away from work and to re-evaluate me in two weeks before I can return. She gave me a note to send to my employer.
When leaving her office, I contacted the health and hr to get this taken care of. Then I contacted my manager who is a wonderful, wonderful man. I let him know what was going on and he was I guess I can say neutral. He says, he wants me to get better. See, I have also been missing days here and there because I have been needing time away to figure out what has been going on. Now I can, now I have at least 2 weeks. This may not be enough time, but it is better than no time. Why am I feeling guilty about taking this time for myself to heal? My husband is supporting me, wants me to get healthy too, and is telling me not to think of work. As difficult as it may be, I will do my best.
During this time, I will be spending time with my heavenly Father and allow Him to heal me.
—-Healing is powerful—-