Is Truman Really True?

Many times in my life I can’t help but think that I am like theain character on The Truman Show. You’ve seen it, haven’t you? Well, if not, it’s about a person who was selected to have a world recolve around him. A world was made for him. There are actors and actresses that play parts/roles in his life from a baby to adulthood. He is placed in a conditioned world where every thing that happens in this world is controlled by one individual calling all the shots. From who his girlfriend and wife would be to his dad “dieing” at sea, which didn’t happen you later find out. There are cameras all over his world that are hidden and others in and outside this made up world are watching it! Talk about a reality show!

image

Sometimes I feel the same way. That someone ia going to pull the curtain back say it was one big experiment and my world will come crashing down around me. The toughts in my mind have become self awareness thoughts. Am I really doing this or is there another reason for these things that happen outside of my control. Anyhow, how can anyone never think this world is one big joke? With big brother installing cameras all around you, to smart phones capturing your face for facial recognition, to the mic, location, and video recorder turning themselves on and off without you being aware!

There is no such thing as privacy anymore. We are constantly being monitored and you wonder why I don’t want a smart or even new tv in my home. You wonder why I don’t want cable tv or even care for onstar in my vehicle. I’m tired of being tracked on my day to day life. I’m ready to put down this phone and other items with tracking devices and go off the grid.

image

Have you ever seen Tron? I’m getting out of that world and go back to life from the 30s and 40s. When life was simple.

Cheers.

Advertisements

Back To The Grind

So yesterday I went back to work and it wasn’t bad. But I still want to work for myself! I’m so good at so many things, but what I enjoy most is spending the day in nature with my camera and being creative.

Back to training, back to creating presentations, and preparing for something greater than we are using. That is the thing about technology, it is always changing. Not even that long ago, the ever learning had drawn me into this field. With the ability to work from home and the versatility this field offers, along with the creativity and let’s not forget the stress and strain on patience when sites are not functioning or the servers are down again or something somewhere is broken and needs to be fixed. But it can only be fixed if you have the right logon card, because goodness knows you need 8 different cards for 30 different accounts! Talk about confusion! AND as if that weren’t enough stress for you, each passcode for each card is different and you better know which goes where and why with the proper passcode or you’re, yeah you know. So if you can’t login because your passcode needs resetting, you can forget about getting into the server to fix the probelm.

So that is what I’m back to doing! Goodie me! When they decided we need all of these cards and passcodes is when confusion came in. Now, we understand security is an extremely high priority in the world of IT, but come on! Aren’t we “supposed” to be doing work here instead of calling help desk because our passcode expired or we entered it in wrong too many times that everything locked us out! How are we supposed to get any work done for you people!! We are not allowed to write down our passcodes anywhere, just simply remember them and not just any passcode. It needs many characters with all of the criteria. Face palm!

So yes, I enjoyed my 3 weeks away from stress and strain on my patience, doing things that I actually enjoy doing. Once upon a time I had a passion for what I do. I woke up early and began my day early, much early than I do now. Where has my passion gone?

Sighs.

Don’t get me wrong, I can say I have one of the best jobs/careers in the world with a wonderful company who takes care of their employees and makes life/work balance a priority. My manager is wonderful and an outstanding guy. Understanding and helpful in many ways, I couldn’t ask for anyone better. But I definitely could have easily enjoyed more time away.

Ok, well time to get off here.

See you on the otherside.

Kindness of A Stranger

This morning I was not feeling so well and had no idea where my joy was…did I lose it? How does one actually lose joy unless they are just not joyous during that moment? How can you lose a feeling or emotion, unless you just aren’t in that mood? You can’t. Either you are or you are not!

This morning was so gloomy when I woke up. Maybe I woke up on the “wrong side of the bed”, as if there really is a correct side of the bed to roll out of every morning. If this had any truth to it maybe this would be to blame for the pain and sorrow in this world. But then again, there is no truth to that old age adage, just something for us to excuse why we are not in a good mood. Sometimes it works to our favor, other times, not so much.

While I was looking for something for my husband today, a man who was walking pass a store I was walking out of, opened the door for me. He smiled, I smiled and then he opened the door in front of me so that I could walk out of the store. I said “Thank You”, don’t know if he heard me or not, but that did brighten my mood. He had no intentions of walking into the store, but opened the door for me anyhow. Kinda makes me want to hide my face for calling a man under my breath an ‘A’ yesterday for not being a gentleman to me. This does not excuse his actions for acting like he did, but I also have to keep myself in check too. (Long Sigh)

I got home and tried to focus on that man who was so kind to open the door for me to bring me into a better place. You know what, it worked!

At the doctors office I explained to her what happened and she was surprised too. People don’t normally go around opening doors for strangers. Now, I could say, it would have been nice if the man in the vehicle who had seen me carrying two paper bags full of groceries would have helped me to my vehicle as he was parked one space over from where I was parked, but maybe that is asking too much from society today. I will relax and just be thankful for the act of kindness that I got to experience from a stranger today.

THANK YOU to the stranger who opened the door for me, just because. You MADE my DAY!

Beginning to See the Light

Finally, I can begin to see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I am not quit there, but each day I am gaining more strength and getting close. Old wounds that were open have been healing and getting handled, now I feel like I can get back to who I am and who I am meant to be. There is so much beauty in the world and it is interesting how one-act can change the beauty into ugliness. The light can be easily snuffed out if we are not careful to take care of ourselves.

It takes time to heal and what I have learned is that I will never be OVER what happened, but each day I am gathering more strength to get through it. Of course there are other issues that need to be worked out and this is happening, but I am beginning to feel more gladness and less sadness.

It seemed as though, well, it didn’t seem – it was. Every day I would have this huge bout of sadness and didn’t understand why. I thought I had fixed the issue, that I could go on without facing it anymore, but there were other factors that I didn’t recognize that attributed to the state I was in an am pulling myself out of. There were triggers that I never faced, because I didn’t understand there were triggers. Now I am able to confront these issues and move beyond them with strength from Yahweh and from y friends and family, and let’s not forget my 8 little guinea pigs who love me too. They are so messy, but fun!

I thought I was weak or conceding to weakness if I were to speak with a professional about my needs and darkness that lies deep within. What I now know is it does not mean that I am weak, but I truly am strong. I had gotten to a place where I couldn’t trust anyone and that is not me. Finally, I am beginning to feel truly happy again and smile a real smile.

Finally, I am beginning to see the light.

If you are ever dealing with grief, sadness, or depression, please seek help. If you are not comfortable speaking with a medical professional, like I was, find a group of peers or people who have gone through your experiences to seek out wisdom and counseling. In order to be better that who you are, find someone who is.

A Real Smile

Today I am feeling better, not feeling so blue,

Maybe I can put on a real smile as the sun can begin to shine through.

Shine through the torment that I have shoved down for years,

Shine through the silences and pain that have left me in tears.

It is time to grow and face my fears,

So many I have carried through out the years.

Fear of being a failure to myself and authority,

Trying to understand, comprehend that is actually good for me.

Good so that can grow and learn to not fail again,

How do you know unless you have at least once fallen?

Fear of being a failure to my employer,

Work hard and harder without any failure.

Trust Yahweh, but we need to fear Him too,

How can I not be a failure when you see all my faults,

I was raised to try to be spotless.

Fear of being alone,

I had to raise me,

Maybe this is why I wanted for myself a large family.

So I wouldn’t be alone,

But always have someone to love onto and hold.

I don’t blame anyone, they had to do what they needed so they could get by,

They are the reason I am responsible with my life.

They have taught me the importance of my relationship with Yahweh,

That I need to please Him with everything I do,

And that He loves many others too.

They have taught me how to be financially responsible,

By watching them when they fell and get back up again,

They taught me what it means to love through thick and through thin,

By watching the arguments many times over again.

It is normal to argue for your relationship to grow,

They have been together for many years now because they knew where they wanted to go.

I have seen their pain, I have shared in their tears,

They have loved me and still raise me even in my elder years.

I am watching and listening to them all the time,

Because I love them and I call them only mine.

I have two younger than me whom I love very much,

They used to call me mommy,

That is something I loved.

They looked up to me and trusted me,

To them, I was their authority, their sissy.

I tried bringing them up the same way as me,

But something happened and that was removed from me.

Life we have has not always been easy, but I am proud of who they are,

And where they are going to be.

I fear for them sometimes because of my experiences with life,

I pray and hope they never have to experience any strife.

I pray for peace, joy, love, faith, and laughter,

Hopefully soon we can be together.

I begged, cried, and pleaded for them,

The first came when I was eleven.

She is my gal and always will be,

My little angel sitting next to me.

He came three years later when I was fourteen,

He was (still is) so handsome as any baby boy could be.

I want to have a better relationship with them,

I don’t want us to part as our parents and their siblings did.

I want us to hold on, trust and always be true,

Be open and transparent even when we are feeling blue.

Always have a hug ready to give,

Because we know that life can sometimes be difficult to live.

I can see clearer now, the clouds are beginning to part,

Maybe today I can have a real smile and not hide behind my heart.

Finally seen someone who can help me,

I have learned I have carried so much baggage with me.

Things I have never dealt with from my past,

Things I thought would go away,

Things I thought would never stay.

My pain runs deep and there is history,

But thank Yahweh, He has seen me through it all.

I thought I was stronger, but perhaps I am,

But this time I am not going alone.

Last night I met her and poured out my heart,

There goes my plan to remain like a clam.

She is here to help me through the pain and the tears,

Things that I have been avoiding and hiding behind for years.

Maybe now I can get back to being me,

But who am I?

I’ve hidden myself for so long,

How can I pick up or carry on?

Now I need to find me,

Keep true to me,

Be who Yahweh wants me to be.

I want to feel peace again,

I want to be joyful again,

I want to grow up and mature,

But have fun and enjoy life, like that little girl before pain set in.

I have someone I can speak to, someone who can help,

Now maybe, I can find my true self.

The clouds are beginning to part,

Today I can wear a real smile and not hide behind my heart.

 

Thoughts For The Day

Feeling alone is not the most wonderful feeling in the world. Mom once told me that you can be in a room with a million loved ones and still feel alone. Becoming more mature in my life, I am now aware of what she meant. There are things in life that we tackle and it feels like we are alone and by ourselves in this world to deal with and allegedly try to “fix” the problem.

As many of you are already aware, I had a miscarriage a few months ago and tried to do what I could to get beyond it. Unfortunately, during this time I didn’t take the time needed to heal mentally and emotionally from this loss and many other factors that it has since brought back to light. Thankfully tonight I will finally see a counselor to help me get through this process and hopefully on the other side I will begin to see the glimmering light and hope.

Often I have wondered if I lost my baby. Was it something I did? What did I do? Is there any way for me to even know what happened to have an understanding of how this happened? Is it because I am not as healthy as I could be? Is it because I was in the early stages of pregnancy and was allowing myself to be stressed out with the fact of wanting to be a wonderful wife to my husband, an amazing employee to my employer, and a terrific mother to my unborn child and 8 guinea pigs? What did I do, what could I have done differently? If I were to get pregnant again, who is to say this wouldn’t happen again? Would be stronger because of what I am experiencing now? Would I be in even more of a wreck because now I lost multiple children? Did I lose them? Was there something I did or didn’t do that displeased Yahweh¬†and he saw that it was better to take my children with Him instead of leaving them with me? WHY? How does one handle or get through this?

It is a nice day outside, the temperature is just right, the sky is practically blue with some clouds, and the sun is shining. I have closed my blinds and to me this represents where I am at this moment. Just yesterday I shared with a few friends what was happening. I have been dealing with this for a while, but I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering them or telling them of yet another issue I am facing. Perhaps I should have told them so they could pray with and for me. But, I have closed myself in only allowing a few people into my circle at the moment. I want to be in private, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to hit and break something, I want to throw something, I want to hear crashing glass, I want to hear the tear of clothing, I want to crawl out of my skin and find another place to live. But doing these things won’t bring the peace that I am looking for nor undo what was done. They may satisfy me for a mere moment, but will not heal the wound. I want to be with my husband, but I fear my body will not allow me right now. Memories of what happened in the hospital may creep back in again and I want to avoid the agonizing pain. I feel as I have become a disappointment of a wife to him. He deserves someone who is not as messed up as I have become. I used to love people, now I am not so sure. Do I love them because my belief says I am supposed to or is it because I really want to? I used to care about life and how others viewed me more than I do right now.

(oh my I hear a guinea pig snoring, this is hilarious and cute).

I wish my mom and grandmothers were here with me to comfort me. Mom is in another state, but there is nothing like her wrapping her arms around me while sitting on the couch praying and telling me everything is going to be OK. All of my grandmothers have went on. Several of them experienced miscarriages, loss of a child 3 days after birth, and another couldn’t carry and ended up losing her child at 5 months. I need their love, wisdom, and counsel, but they are not here. I close my eyes and pretend they are with me, loving on me, letting me know everything will be fine, that things will get better. I think of my child watching me and wishing I was stronger. I feel like a disappointment to them because I have not yet moved on from this, although I have tried. I try. One moment I am happy, the next I am sad. I want off this roller coaster and back to how things were. I want to go back to work to keep my mind busy, but I have done that already and this misery crept back up on me.

Hopefully after seeing a counselor tonight, I will be given some direction of what exercises and steps need to be taken for healing. One thing I know I need to do is to read the scriptures and seek after Yahweh. Another thing that I am aware of is that He allows things to happen in our life because He is able to foresee things we are not able to, but even knowing this does not diminish the pain. Then I think of what He must have felt when He gave His ONLY son. His son had our transgressions upon him that Yahweh turned from him. So if anyone can relate to what I am going through, I know Yahweh can.

Peekaboo

We are raised to trust you, but you hurt me deeply. You took my insides and turned them completely. I don’t even know who I am at the moment and wonder if I will be back to me. But you took that tool and jabbed deep inside of me. I was already feeling like a failure as a wife, but at least I had something good on my side. But you took that from me, because I won’t let him touch me. I cry and withdraw myself into tears and this may not be fixed for years. Now I’m older in age and nearing the end of my baring years. My heart has always desired to carry children of my own, but you stole that from me in this moment. Who knows now if it will ever happen? My heart is so distraught with sharpness of pain. I’m supposed to trust you, but now being near you drives me insane. Your industry lies to us and uses us for it’s gain. You are supposed to on our side and protect us from harm and sometimes even ourselves. Your skill and knowledge has come so very far, but we are mere guinea pigs as far as you’re concerned. When I say to you that I’m in pain and hurting you are supposed to stop and find out why, not shut me up and continue doing what you were doing. I am able to let you know what is painful to me and how it impacts me. You may be a doctor, but you are not in my body and not in my skin. You are supposed to be compassionate, almost a friend. You hurt me, you allowed me to be hurt and shrugged it off like nothing took place. At this moment I am trying to forgive you, I am trying to keep face. My life has been disrupted by what you did and my emotions have been shattered. Putting on a happy face for the world, no longer matters. I’m supposed to trust you, but you cut me deep. How am I supposed to trust you again with my life and well being after this strife? You were so cold, ruthless and cruel with a fake smile, like I couldn’t see through you. I may have lost my child, but I still have my life, you thought I couldn’t see you…. peekaboo.