Feeling alone is not the most wonderful feeling in the world. Mom once told me that you can be in a room with a million loved ones and still feel alone. Becoming more mature in my life, I am now aware of what she meant. There are things in life that we tackle and it feels like we are alone and by ourselves in this world to deal with and allegedly try to “fix” the problem.
As many of you are already aware, I had a miscarriage a few months ago and tried to do what I could to get beyond it. Unfortunately, during this time I didn’t take the time needed to heal mentally and emotionally from this loss and many other factors that it has since brought back to light. Thankfully tonight I will finally see a counselor to help me get through this process and hopefully on the other side I will begin to see the glimmering light and hope.
Often I have wondered if I lost my baby. Was it something I did? What did I do? Is there any way for me to even know what happened to have an understanding of how this happened? Is it because I am not as healthy as I could be? Is it because I was in the early stages of pregnancy and was allowing myself to be stressed out with the fact of wanting to be a wonderful wife to my husband, an amazing employee to my employer, and a terrific mother to my unborn child and 8 guinea pigs? What did I do, what could I have done differently? If I were to get pregnant again, who is to say this wouldn’t happen again? Would be stronger because of what I am experiencing now? Would I be in even more of a wreck because now I lost multiple children? Did I lose them? Was there something I did or didn’t do that displeased Yahweh and he saw that it was better to take my children with Him instead of leaving them with me? WHY? How does one handle or get through this?
It is a nice day outside, the temperature is just right, the sky is practically blue with some clouds, and the sun is shining. I have closed my blinds and to me this represents where I am at this moment. Just yesterday I shared with a few friends what was happening. I have been dealing with this for a while, but I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering them or telling them of yet another issue I am facing. Perhaps I should have told them so they could pray with and for me. But, I have closed myself in only allowing a few people into my circle at the moment. I want to be in private, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to hit and break something, I want to throw something, I want to hear crashing glass, I want to hear the tear of clothing, I want to crawl out of my skin and find another place to live. But doing these things won’t bring the peace that I am looking for nor undo what was done. They may satisfy me for a mere moment, but will not heal the wound. I want to be with my husband, but I fear my body will not allow me right now. Memories of what happened in the hospital may creep back in again and I want to avoid the agonizing pain. I feel as I have become a disappointment of a wife to him. He deserves someone who is not as messed up as I have become. I used to love people, now I am not so sure. Do I love them because my belief says I am supposed to or is it because I really want to? I used to care about life and how others viewed me more than I do right now.
(oh my I hear a guinea pig snoring, this is hilarious and cute).
I wish my mom and grandmothers were here with me to comfort me. Mom is in another state, but there is nothing like her wrapping her arms around me while sitting on the couch praying and telling me everything is going to be OK. All of my grandmothers have went on. Several of them experienced miscarriages, loss of a child 3 days after birth, and another couldn’t carry and ended up losing her child at 5 months. I need their love, wisdom, and counsel, but they are not here. I close my eyes and pretend they are with me, loving on me, letting me know everything will be fine, that things will get better. I think of my child watching me and wishing I was stronger. I feel like a disappointment to them because I have not yet moved on from this, although I have tried. I try. One moment I am happy, the next I am sad. I want off this roller coaster and back to how things were. I want to go back to work to keep my mind busy, but I have done that already and this misery crept back up on me.
Hopefully after seeing a counselor tonight, I will be given some direction of what exercises and steps need to be taken for healing. One thing I know I need to do is to read the scriptures and seek after Yahweh. Another thing that I am aware of is that He allows things to happen in our life because He is able to foresee things we are not able to, but even knowing this does not diminish the pain. Then I think of what He must have felt when He gave His ONLY son. His son had our transgressions upon him that Yahweh turned from him. So if anyone can relate to what I am going through, I know Yahweh can.