All She Wants

When I am looking down at her cuteness while she is eating, how do I not cry, how do I contain myself knowing I have to leave her behind? Having to be a wife, a mother, and a full time employee. Knowing, the next thing that will be on my bossom will be a pump expressing milk (love) for her instead of looking down and seeing her beautiful face.

She looks up at me and smiles when she sees me, noticing I am on the other end of her and not a bottle. I look at the beautiful gift God gave me and smile knowing it is her, not a pump. But that is for week nights and weekends. Week days are very different for me. Being a wife, I want to take care of my husband, but work calls for me. I have to go to bed so that I can get ample sleep. I want to make love many nights a week, but I am so tired by the end of the day. I have to make sure I am prepared the night before so I don’t wake anyone up. We both participate on laying our daughter in bed for the night. Then I wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and for the moments she is frightened. It’s as though she fears I’ll be gone when she wakes up, that is my fear too, however it is one that comes true. There is nothing in the world to melt my motherly heart than to see her wake up and smiling at me. I’m broken, I’m torn, nothing has changed to help the working wife/ mother. We must work to survive. Two income homes these days even just to make ends meet. We are not poor, we are both in IT and still see the burden of expensive daycare and the mother having to leave home to help the family survive instead of being where she is longed to be, by her child’s side.

Every day I tell myself, this is for her, this is for her. So she can have a good up bringing, so she can experience many wonderful things in life. But, if I’m not there with her, won’t she notice? Isn’t this what she wants? So why am I far away from her trying to give her what she needs, when all she wants is me?

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