Back To The Grind

So yesterday I went back to work and it wasn’t bad. But I still want to work for myself! I’m so good at so many things, but what I enjoy most is spending the day in nature with my camera and being creative.

Back to training, back to creating presentations, and preparing for something greater than we are using. That is the thing about technology, it is always changing. Not even that long ago, the ever learning had drawn me into this field. With the ability to work from home and the versatility this field offers, along with the creativity and let’s not forget the stress and strain on patience when sites are not functioning or the servers are down again or something somewhere is broken and needs to be fixed. But it can only be fixed if you have the right logon card, because goodness knows you need 8 different cards for 30 different accounts! Talk about confusion! AND as if that weren’t enough stress for you, each passcode for each card is different and you better know which goes where and why with the proper passcode or you’re, yeah you know. So if you can’t login because your passcode needs resetting, you can forget about getting into the server to fix the probelm.

So that is what I’m back to doing! Goodie me! When they decided we need all of these cards and passcodes is when confusion came in. Now, we understand security is an extremely high priority in the world of IT, but come on! Aren’t we “supposed” to be doing work here instead of calling help desk because our passcode expired or we entered it in wrong too many times that everything locked us out! How are we supposed to get any work done for you people!! We are not allowed to write down our passcodes anywhere, just simply remember them and not just any passcode. It needs many characters with all of the criteria. Face palm!

So yes, I enjoyed my 3 weeks away from stress and strain on my patience, doing things that I actually enjoy doing. Once upon a time I had a passion for what I do. I woke up early and began my day early, much early than I do now. Where has my passion gone?

Sighs.

Don’t get me wrong, I can say I have one of the best jobs/careers in the world with a wonderful company who takes care of their employees and makes life/work balance a priority. My manager is wonderful and an outstanding guy. Understanding and helpful in many ways, I couldn’t ask for anyone better. But I definitely could have easily enjoyed more time away.

Ok, well time to get off here.

See you on the otherside.

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Kindness of A Stranger

This morning I was not feeling so well and had no idea where my joy was…did I lose it? How does one actually lose joy unless they are just not joyous during that moment? How can you lose a feeling or emotion, unless you just aren’t in that mood? You can’t. Either you are or you are not!

This morning was so gloomy when I woke up. Maybe I woke up on the “wrong side of the bed”, as if there really is a correct side of the bed to roll out of every morning. If this had any truth to it maybe this would be to blame for the pain and sorrow in this world. But then again, there is no truth to that old age adage, just something for us to excuse why we are not in a good mood. Sometimes it works to our favor, other times, not so much.

While I was looking for something for my husband today, a man who was walking pass a store I was walking out of, opened the door for me. He smiled, I smiled and then he opened the door in front of me so that I could walk out of the store. I said “Thank You”, don’t know if he heard me or not, but that did brighten my mood. He had no intentions of walking into the store, but opened the door for me anyhow. Kinda makes me want to hide my face for calling a man under my breath an ‘A’ yesterday for not being a gentleman to me. This does not excuse his actions for acting like he did, but I also have to keep myself in check too. (Long Sigh)

I got home and tried to focus on that man who was so kind to open the door for me to bring me into a better place. You know what, it worked!

At the doctors office I explained to her what happened and she was surprised too. People don’t normally go around opening doors for strangers. Now, I could say, it would have been nice if the man in the vehicle who had seen me carrying two paper bags full of groceries would have helped me to my vehicle as he was parked one space over from where I was parked, but maybe that is asking too much from society today. I will relax and just be thankful for the act of kindness that I got to experience from a stranger today.

THANK YOU to the stranger who opened the door for me, just because. You MADE my DAY!

Beginning to See the Light

Finally, I can begin to see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I am not quit there, but each day I am gaining more strength and getting close. Old wounds that were open have been healing and getting handled, now I feel like I can get back to who I am and who I am meant to be. There is so much beauty in the world and it is interesting how one-act can change the beauty into ugliness. The light can be easily snuffed out if we are not careful to take care of ourselves.

It takes time to heal and what I have learned is that I will never be OVER what happened, but each day I am gathering more strength to get through it. Of course there are other issues that need to be worked out and this is happening, but I am beginning to feel more gladness and less sadness.

It seemed as though, well, it didn’t seem – it was. Every day I would have this huge bout of sadness and didn’t understand why. I thought I had fixed the issue, that I could go on without facing it anymore, but there were other factors that I didn’t recognize that attributed to the state I was in an am pulling myself out of. There were triggers that I never faced, because I didn’t understand there were triggers. Now I am able to confront these issues and move beyond them with strength from Yahweh and from y friends and family, and let’s not forget my 8 little guinea pigs who love me too. They are so messy, but fun!

I thought I was weak or conceding to weakness if I were to speak with a professional about my needs and darkness that lies deep within. What I now know is it does not mean that I am weak, but I truly am strong. I had gotten to a place where I couldn’t trust anyone and that is not me. Finally, I am beginning to feel truly happy again and smile a real smile.

Finally, I am beginning to see the light.

If you are ever dealing with grief, sadness, or depression, please seek help. If you are not comfortable speaking with a medical professional, like I was, find a group of peers or people who have gone through your experiences to seek out wisdom and counseling. In order to be better that who you are, find someone who is.

Peekaboo

We are raised to trust you, but you hurt me deeply. You took my insides and turned them completely. I don’t even know who I am at the moment and wonder if I will be back to me. But you took that tool and jabbed deep inside of me. I was already feeling like a failure as a wife, but at least I had something good on my side. But you took that from me, because I won’t let him touch me. I cry and withdraw myself into tears and this may not be fixed for years. Now I’m older in age and nearing the end of my baring years. My heart has always desired to carry children of my own, but you stole that from me in this moment. Who knows now if it will ever happen? My heart is so distraught with sharpness of pain. I’m supposed to trust you, but now being near you drives me insane. Your industry lies to us and uses us for it’s gain. You are supposed to on our side and protect us from harm and sometimes even ourselves. Your skill and knowledge has come so very far, but we are mere guinea pigs as far as you’re concerned. When I say to you that I’m in pain and hurting you are supposed to stop and find out why, not shut me up and continue doing what you were doing. I am able to let you know what is painful to me and how it impacts me. You may be a doctor, but you are not in my body and not in my skin. You are supposed to be compassionate, almost a friend. You hurt me, you allowed me to be hurt and shrugged it off like nothing took place. At this moment I am trying to forgive you, I am trying to keep face. My life has been disrupted by what you did and my emotions have been shattered. Putting on a happy face for the world, no longer matters. I’m supposed to trust you, but you cut me deep. How am I supposed to trust you again with my life and well being after this strife? You were so cold, ruthless and cruel with a fake smile, like I couldn’t see through you. I may have lost my child, but I still have my life, you thought I couldn’t see you…. peekaboo.

I Wish

I wish,
I wish life was simpler
I wish it was easier to handle
I wish we never had to experience pain
I wish no one ever had to suffer
I wish there was no such thing as trauma
I wish no one ever died
I wish there were no such thing as tears
I wish there was no such thing as heartache
I wish only love abound
I wish my heart would heal
I wish I could be truly happy again
I wish I could find my joy again
I wish I could find my peace again
I wish I could find my love again
I wish life was so much better than how we are experiencing it now
I wish there was always joy, happiness, peace, and faith.
I wish.

Times Like These

In times like these, I like to rest my eyes, sit back and allow Yahweh do what only HE can do.

In times like these, I let everything go, because I know I am not alone and need time to heal.

In times like these, my heart is crushed, but I know will get better through time and prayer.

In times like these my body goes limp, but through the weather I become stronger.

In times like these I want to hide away in a silent corner, but eventually joy will come.

In times like these, I want to cry all day long, but my tears will soon subside.

In times like these, I want to become enraged with anger, but that never did anyone any good.

In times like these, I want to sleep all day with the world a million miles away, but my eyes will not allow me to rest.

In times like these, I am feeling all sorts of physical pain, but maybe it is due to the mental anguish I have experienced.

In times like these, I want to love on my husband, because I know he will try to understand and will love on me.

In times like these, I fake that I am okay, but that only hurts me more because I am a wreck and crushed inside.

In times like these, I want to go far away to a beach and watch the waves crash on the sand.

In times like these, I want to go to the park and watch the trees sway and smell the grass.

In times like these, I want to go to the mountain top and be better, but sometimes that journey is very long and hard.

In times like these, I don’t want to do anything just sit still and be alone.

In times like these, I need to hand it all over to Yahweh and not pick it back up again, because HE alone is my provider and ultimate healer.

grief

It is difficult to give our hurts and pains to Yahweh, who says HE will take care of us. But in the long run it is the most healthy thing we can do for ourselves. It does not mean we are denying our pain, but we now know we are not alone and he is walking through the water and fire with us. He is hiding us in the cleft of the rock and under his wings.

Father please take this thorn from me, help me to become happy and joyful once again. Knowing that you have my best interest in mind because you love me and want the best for me. My mind is overwhelmed by pain and agony that only you can heal. Father you love me and you care for me, please heal me right now in your son Yashua’s name. I want to go back to work with my colleagues. I don’t want to sit at home. Perhaps, I just need to rest in you and allow you to do your work in me. Thank you for your love and your greatness. Thank you for all that you have done for me, protecting me from myself and from the enemy. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for your Torah, so I may know you more intimately so that I do not transgress against you.¬† Thank you for opening my eyes and ears so that I may see and hear your truths, but I ask that you continue to protect me from the evil one. Do not allow me to be deceived or enticed by anything that is not of you, but that I may be more discerning to you and your ways and follow in your righteousness and truth.

Hurdles, Small Steps, & Miracles

Most often we come to a hurdle in our life, whether it be in our career, in our relationships, or even in our health. One thing that I am learning is that it is important to take baby steps to get beyond the hurdles. If we do not allow ourselves to cope with or work through the hurdleTallhurdles in our life, then we are not growing as an individual or in a particular area in our life.

There are hurdles in many aspects of my life because I have just ignored them instead of confronting them head on or instead of taking the baby steps needed to conquer the hurdles. Each day in our life we have to recognize the hurdles we face and after we give the matter to our creator, then we can truly move forward with the small steps needed to get beyond that which is in our way keeping us from our goal.

This blog is title hurdles, small steps, & miracles because so many of us have goals in our life. Growing up we have all been taught the importance and relevance to have short-term and long-term goals. Unfortunately, many find satisfaction in their short term goals that they become complacent and do not feel the need or desire to move toward the long term goals they have set for themselves years or even months earlier.

Getting to our goals of the perfect career, wonderful relationships, and optimal health takes time. We often here the phrase, “Rome was not built in a day.”, which is true. So, if Rome was not built in a day, what makes you think that you are going to have everything in your life straightened out in even a week? It will not happen, unless you have been working on your goals to get to the place of resolution in your life.

Today, I had to work on a health goal and I cried terribly. After whining about how I didn’t want to do something for my health, I finally realized it is to make me feel better in the long run and help me in other areas of my life. What was I afraid of that I would cry? I was afraid that I would not get better even after doing this exercise that doctor told me to do. I was afraid that I would still be in pain and hurting. Guess what? I was still in pain and hurting, but I had to pumilestonesh through it. The only way I am going to knock down those hurdles that are in my way is to work at them with small steps. Eventually, I will be able to shove the hurdle down and be on my way to the next.

Do not allow yourself to be afraid, although it is understandable why you would be. But, getting the career you have always dreamed of, the most intimate relationships, or optimal health, it all takes work and begins with small steps, to jump over the hurdles, to have your miracle.