A Real Smile

Today I am feeling better, not feeling so blue,

Maybe I can put on a real smile as the sun can begin to shine through.

Shine through the torment that I have shoved down for years,

Shine through the silences and pain that have left me in tears.

It is time to grow and face my fears,

So many I have carried through out the years.

Fear of being a failure to myself and authority,

Trying to understand, comprehend that is actually good for me.

Good so that can grow and learn to not fail again,

How do you know unless you have at least once fallen?

Fear of being a failure to my employer,

Work hard and harder without any failure.

Trust Yahweh, but we need to fear Him too,

How can I not be a failure when you see all my faults,

I was raised to try to be spotless.

Fear of being alone,

I had to raise me,

Maybe this is why I wanted for myself a large family.

So I wouldn’t be alone,

But always have someone to love onto and hold.

I don’t blame anyone, they had to do what they needed so they could get by,

They are the reason I am responsible with my life.

They have taught me the importance of my relationship with Yahweh,

That I need to please Him with everything I do,

And that He loves many others too.

They have taught me how to be financially responsible,

By watching them when they fell and get back up again,

They taught me what it means to love through thick and through thin,

By watching the arguments many times over again.

It is normal to argue for your relationship to grow,

They have been together for many years now because they knew where they wanted to go.

I have seen their pain, I have shared in their tears,

They have loved me and still raise me even in my elder years.

I am watching and listening to them all the time,

Because I love them and I call them only mine.

I have two younger than me whom I love very much,

They used to call me mommy,

That is something I loved.

They looked up to me and trusted me,

To them, I was their authority, their sissy.

I tried bringing them up the same way as me,

But something happened and that was removed from me.

Life we have has not always been easy, but I am proud of who they are,

And where they are going to be.

I fear for them sometimes because of my experiences with life,

I pray and hope they never have to experience any strife.

I pray for peace, joy, love, faith, and laughter,

Hopefully soon we can be together.

I begged, cried, and pleaded for them,

The first came when I was eleven.

She is my gal and always will be,

My little angel sitting next to me.

He came three years later when I was fourteen,

He was (still is) so handsome as any baby boy could be.

I want to have a better relationship with them,

I don’t want us to part as our parents and their siblings did.

I want us to hold on, trust and always be true,

Be open and transparent even when we are feeling blue.

Always have a hug ready to give,

Because we know that life can sometimes be difficult to live.

I can see clearer now, the clouds are beginning to part,

Maybe today I can have a real smile and not hide behind my heart.

Finally seen someone who can help me,

I have learned I have carried so much baggage with me.

Things I have never dealt with from my past,

Things I thought would go away,

Things I thought would never stay.

My pain runs deep and there is history,

But thank Yahweh, He has seen me through it all.

I thought I was stronger, but perhaps I am,

But this time I am not going alone.

Last night I met her and poured out my heart,

There goes my plan to remain like a clam.

She is here to help me through the pain and the tears,

Things that I have been avoiding and hiding behind for years.

Maybe now I can get back to being me,

But who am I?

I’ve hidden myself for so long,

How can I pick up or carry on?

Now I need to find me,

Keep true to me,

Be who Yahweh wants me to be.

I want to feel peace again,

I want to be joyful again,

I want to grow up and mature,

But have fun and enjoy life, like that little girl before pain set in.

I have someone I can speak to, someone who can help,

Now maybe, I can find my true self.

The clouds are beginning to part,

Today I can wear a real smile and not hide behind my heart.

 

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Why Did You Leave?

Why did you leave?

I feel a loss,

You were in my womb,

Now you are not,

Each night my heartaches and soul cries.

Why did you leave

You didn’t even get to say goodbye,

At night when your father is sleeping I am deep in my cries.

You hurt my heart when you left,

But I am aware it is not our fault.

It is just something that happened,

But the pain still remains.

Things happened that day you left me,

Things that can never be undone,

Things that have left my mind very numb.

Numb to how life used to be before I knew you were in my womb,

Numb to a life full of love and laughter,

Between me and your father.

My love for him still runs very deep,

But there is pain and it is not his fault either.

Since you left I feel unworthy to be the mommy,

Of another baby.

Your daddy has been so good to me,

So very kind and loving,

But I don’t feel like I deserve his love,

Since the day we parted ways.

Why did you leave me?

What did I do?

Was I not a good mommy to you,

While you were still yet in my womb?

It is difficult to focus at work now because in the silences I am thinking of you.

What did I do, why did you leave me?

I have been pushing down these feelings and avoiding them for several months

Only to have them creep up on me all at once.

You were my little angel, my little love,

You still are, but now you are in heaven above.

Will I ever be better?

Will I ever get back to me?

Maybe one day, I will understand why you had to leave me.

I wish I could get pass this pain,

I wish I could get pass this hurt.

My heart is aching and my mind is still numb,

But I am sure you would want me to go on.

Go on with my life,

And live a life worth living,

Share with others and help them through,

When they to don’t know what to do.

There is so much I wanted to share with you,

So much we wanted to do,

Maybe, one day our dream to meet you will come true.

I love you my little guy and I always will,

But this struggle mommy is going through is very painful and real.

She hopes to be better soon and hopes she can move on,

So she can be the mommy that you can be proud of later on.

Mommy is trying to relax so she can be healed,

She needs to give you to Yahweh and rest in him as well,

Mommy will always love you,

And this truth will never be concealed.

You were my first,

No one can take your place,

Someday I hope we can embrace.