Back To The Grind

So yesterday I went back to work and it wasn’t bad. But I still want to work for myself! I’m so good at so many things, but what I enjoy most is spending the day in nature with my camera and being creative.

Back to training, back to creating presentations, and preparing for something greater than we are using. That is the thing about technology, it is always changing. Not even that long ago, the ever learning had drawn me into this field. With the ability to work from home and the versatility this field offers, along with the creativity and let’s not forget the stress and strain on patience when sites are not functioning or the servers are down again or something somewhere is broken and needs to be fixed. But it can only be fixed if you have the right logon card, because goodness knows you need 8 different cards for 30 different accounts! Talk about confusion! AND as if that weren’t enough stress for you, each passcode for each card is different and you better know which goes where and why with the proper passcode or you’re, yeah you know. So if you can’t login because your passcode needs resetting, you can forget about getting into the server to fix the probelm.

So that is what I’m back to doing! Goodie me! When they decided we need all of these cards and passcodes is when confusion came in. Now, we understand security is an extremely high priority in the world of IT, but come on! Aren’t we “supposed” to be doing work here instead of calling help desk because our passcode expired or we entered it in wrong too many times that everything locked us out! How are we supposed to get any work done for you people!! We are not allowed to write down our passcodes anywhere, just simply remember them and not just any passcode. It needs many characters with all of the criteria. Face palm!

So yes, I enjoyed my 3 weeks away from stress and strain on my patience, doing things that I actually enjoy doing. Once upon a time I had a passion for what I do. I woke up early and began my day early, much early than I do now. Where has my passion gone?

Sighs.

Don’t get me wrong, I can say I have one of the best jobs/careers in the world with a wonderful company who takes care of their employees and makes life/work balance a priority. My manager is wonderful and an outstanding guy. Understanding and helpful in many ways, I couldn’t ask for anyone better. But I definitely could have easily enjoyed more time away.

Ok, well time to get off here.

See you on the otherside.

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Beginning to See the Light

Finally, I can begin to see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I am not quit there, but each day I am gaining more strength and getting close. Old wounds that were open have been healing and getting handled, now I feel like I can get back to who I am and who I am meant to be. There is so much beauty in the world and it is interesting how one-act can change the beauty into ugliness. The light can be easily snuffed out if we are not careful to take care of ourselves.

It takes time to heal and what I have learned is that I will never be OVER what happened, but each day I am gathering more strength to get through it. Of course there are other issues that need to be worked out and this is happening, but I am beginning to feel more gladness and less sadness.

It seemed as though, well, it didn’t seem – it was. Every day I would have this huge bout of sadness and didn’t understand why. I thought I had fixed the issue, that I could go on without facing it anymore, but there were other factors that I didn’t recognize that attributed to the state I was in an am pulling myself out of. There were triggers that I never faced, because I didn’t understand there were triggers. Now I am able to confront these issues and move beyond them with strength from Yahweh and from y friends and family, and let’s not forget my 8 little guinea pigs who love me too. They are so messy, but fun!

I thought I was weak or conceding to weakness if I were to speak with a professional about my needs and darkness that lies deep within. What I now know is it does not mean that I am weak, but I truly am strong. I had gotten to a place where I couldn’t trust anyone and that is not me. Finally, I am beginning to feel truly happy again and smile a real smile.

Finally, I am beginning to see the light.

If you are ever dealing with grief, sadness, or depression, please seek help. If you are not comfortable speaking with a medical professional, like I was, find a group of peers or people who have gone through your experiences to seek out wisdom and counseling. In order to be better that who you are, find someone who is.

Thoughts For The Day

Feeling alone is not the most wonderful feeling in the world. Mom once told me that you can be in a room with a million loved ones and still feel alone. Becoming more mature in my life, I am now aware of what she meant. There are things in life that we tackle and it feels like we are alone and by ourselves in this world to deal with and allegedly try to “fix” the problem.

As many of you are already aware, I had a miscarriage a few months ago and tried to do what I could to get beyond it. Unfortunately, during this time I didn’t take the time needed to heal mentally and emotionally from this loss and many other factors that it has since brought back to light. Thankfully tonight I will finally see a counselor to help me get through this process and hopefully on the other side I will begin to see the glimmering light and hope.

Often I have wondered if I lost my baby. Was it something I did? What did I do? Is there any way for me to even know what happened to have an understanding of how this happened? Is it because I am not as healthy as I could be? Is it because I was in the early stages of pregnancy and was allowing myself to be stressed out with the fact of wanting to be a wonderful wife to my husband, an amazing employee to my employer, and a terrific mother to my unborn child and 8 guinea pigs? What did I do, what could I have done differently? If I were to get pregnant again, who is to say this wouldn’t happen again? Would be stronger because of what I am experiencing now? Would I be in even more of a wreck because now I lost multiple children? Did I lose them? Was there something I did or didn’t do that displeased Yahweh¬†and he saw that it was better to take my children with Him instead of leaving them with me? WHY? How does one handle or get through this?

It is a nice day outside, the temperature is just right, the sky is practically blue with some clouds, and the sun is shining. I have closed my blinds and to me this represents where I am at this moment. Just yesterday I shared with a few friends what was happening. I have been dealing with this for a while, but I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering them or telling them of yet another issue I am facing. Perhaps I should have told them so they could pray with and for me. But, I have closed myself in only allowing a few people into my circle at the moment. I want to be in private, I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to hit and break something, I want to throw something, I want to hear crashing glass, I want to hear the tear of clothing, I want to crawl out of my skin and find another place to live. But doing these things won’t bring the peace that I am looking for nor undo what was done. They may satisfy me for a mere moment, but will not heal the wound. I want to be with my husband, but I fear my body will not allow me right now. Memories of what happened in the hospital may creep back in again and I want to avoid the agonizing pain. I feel as I have become a disappointment of a wife to him. He deserves someone who is not as messed up as I have become. I used to love people, now I am not so sure. Do I love them because my belief says I am supposed to or is it because I really want to? I used to care about life and how others viewed me more than I do right now.

(oh my I hear a guinea pig snoring, this is hilarious and cute).

I wish my mom and grandmothers were here with me to comfort me. Mom is in another state, but there is nothing like her wrapping her arms around me while sitting on the couch praying and telling me everything is going to be OK. All of my grandmothers have went on. Several of them experienced miscarriages, loss of a child 3 days after birth, and another couldn’t carry and ended up losing her child at 5 months. I need their love, wisdom, and counsel, but they are not here. I close my eyes and pretend they are with me, loving on me, letting me know everything will be fine, that things will get better. I think of my child watching me and wishing I was stronger. I feel like a disappointment to them because I have not yet moved on from this, although I have tried. I try. One moment I am happy, the next I am sad. I want off this roller coaster and back to how things were. I want to go back to work to keep my mind busy, but I have done that already and this misery crept back up on me.

Hopefully after seeing a counselor tonight, I will be given some direction of what exercises and steps need to be taken for healing. One thing I know I need to do is to read the scriptures and seek after Yahweh. Another thing that I am aware of is that He allows things to happen in our life because He is able to foresee things we are not able to, but even knowing this does not diminish the pain. Then I think of what He must have felt when He gave His ONLY son. His son had our transgressions upon him that Yahweh turned from him. So if anyone can relate to what I am going through, I know Yahweh can.

Now I Know

Now I know why I was unable to sleep. January 23rd, I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant! I began writing to my child in a journal letting them know how much I loved them and couldn’t wait to see them. Each day was greater than the next! My husband and I went to the maternity store to get clothes for the pregnancy. Then it began.

While pregnant, I noticed some pain. Pain that I experience during my monthy. So, feeling this pain while pregnant, I was terrified that I would lose my baby. The women at the maternity store shared that this was normal and the baby was adjusting themselves. Hearing this was normal, I allowed any anxiety to go away.

At work we are not allowed to park in the parking lot. So, we have to park along the street, but not in front of the bus stops nor in other parking lots due to being towed away. There was a front gate and a back gate, but the back gate was closed. Now we have to park behind the building outside the gate and walk around to the front gate to go in and the opposite way to the car. Also, if we park along the side streets across the street, we have to be careful not to get hit by cars crossing the street. I was almost hit twice!

February came and nearing the end of the month I was feeling lower abdominal pains. Not to long after feeling pain, I began bleeding. This being a huge concern for me, I contacted my midwife. My midwife said to keep my feet up and to take off from work. Well, I had so much to do that I decided to work from home, but instead of keeping my feet up, I was sitting at my desk. That night the pain became more extreme and I looked at my husband and told him we need to go to the ER. I tried to hold off, but I couldn’t any longer. 7am the following morning, I woke my husband up and said we need to get to the ER now. We left home to the hospital where they sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me over to ER.

My husband was so good to me, as he always is. We waited for the doctor who said I would need and ultrasound. She pulled my gown up and put gel on my stomach. She then proceeded to place the ultrasound device on my stomach and the pressure was very bad. It hurt, I even asked her why she was pressing so hard. She replied, it needed to have that much pressure so she could see if there is anything there. She then told me that I was going to be taken for an internal ultrasound.

My husband and I waited awhile before the ultrasound techs came to wheel me away. When they finally came for me, they took me into a room. Not only did the doctor press very hard on me with the ultrasound machine, so did the tech. I asked what she was doing because she was putting circles and x’s in different areas of the ultrasound. She told me she was not allowed to tell me anything. She also performed an internal ultrasound. I commented this was hurting and it feels like she shouldn’t go that far up. This stick looking thing was put inside me and she moved it around jabbing my insides. I was crying and bitting my teeth due to the pain. I was bleeding everywhere and embarrassed. I asked for mesh panties and a new pad which was given to me.

My husband and I were brought back to our area in the ER. While waiting for the doctor my husband was making me laugh to keep my mind off what was going on. Then the billing lady comes in and asks us how are we going to pay for our services today. REALLY?? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I just had a miscarriage, just came out of a room where a stick was being jabbed deep inside me and haven’t even spoken to the Dr. yet. And you want me to tell you how I am going to pay for this? Right now??? Really??? My husband told her we will handle it when we leave.

The doctor finally came in my room and told me they found nothing with the ultrasound. She said there was no fetal tissue. She told me the chromosomes didn’t line up properly and couldn’t form a sustaining life in this world. She spoke about how her dad writes poetry for women who have miscarriages. It is normal to lose a child in the first trimester. I was 9 weeks. They never asked if I wanted to see the sonograms. She wrote a prescription for pain meds, 800 mg Tylenol. What is ironic is, while in the ER I wasn’t given pain meds and my blood had to be drawn several times for the stupid pink vial. The first time the lab denied it. The second time it was denied due to the label not being correct. The third time they finally accepted the blood.

Sunday, I sat in the bath because I was in alot of pain. When I stood up there was a clot that fell out of me. I thought it was only a clot so I let it go down the drain and used the sprayer, but there was something that wouldn’t go down. I picked it up and I had seen a left hand, two legs, knees, ankles and feet. In devistation I called out to my husband to show him. I took pictures of what I was holding, my baby. We didn’t know what to do with the little body. I put him in the camode and flushed it. What did I do?? I flushed my baby. But, I had no idea what else to do.

The following day we went to the doctors office, not the ER doctor, thankfully. She looked at the pictures and told me that was exactly what I thought.

I was floored! How could the ER not see anything? They were pressing mighty hard on my external and internal, they should have seen something!

I tried going back to work on Tuesday, but couldn’t. My company allowed me to take the rest of this week and next off. I could have taken more, but went back to work.

Now, a few months later I am still having intimacy issues due to the pain I experienced. My brain is still in a fog, still haven’t gotten beyond this no matter how deep I got into my work. I haven’t felt like me. No longer the joyful, possitive, and happy person that I used to be. Where did I go? What happened to me? Everyone was telling me that I went through a traumatic event, but it never registered. I thought, I’m a tough person, I can get through this.

I’m sure I’d be in a better place if it weren’t for the jabbing inside me with the ultrasound and them saying there was no fetal tissue only for me to see him a few days later.

If you had a miscarriage what was your experience?