PRAISE YHWH!!! So as many that are aware, in Feb/March, I had a miscarriage. I was 9/10 weeks along. Besides the miscarriage, there were traumatic events that took place in the ER. I was out of work for 2 weeks, but kept myself busy and never did allow myself to heal nor grieve. Heck, I even googled “How to greive.” I know it must sound silly, but this was the very first time I had gone through this. Pregnancy was something of itself and all in all it was wonderful. Knowing that inside me was this life, this tiny, small life that depended on me for everything, literally.
I went back to work and had to keep myself busy. Time and again I would think about what happened, but not for very long because it still hurt deeply. A few friends of mine gave me books to read and I was thinking, maybe I will give it a go. I read a few pages of the first book and put it down. I began reading books from my dad and never made it past the 1st or even 3rd page before putting them down. My mind needed to be distracted by other things that didn’t allow me to think of what happened.
When I allowed myself to think of what happened in the hospital, I cried and prayed. Asking heavenly Abba to heal me, to help me, because this didn’t feel right. It was a death that I had experienced inside my body, but was not my own.
Being with my husband scared me. I didn’t want him knowing, I still haven’t told him, but I’m certain he knows. I was afraid that something bad would happen, that he wouldn’t look at me the same because maybe I let him down. But those were lies from hasatan!
At the end of May exactly 3 months that I went to the hospital that I had the miscarriage I had a breakdown. I was with my husband and wanted him to hurry up. He put his fingers inside and it hurt. It hurt after the miscarriage, but it REALLY hurt this time. After being with him, I normally go to the restroom and wash up. This time, I stayed on the bed, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. I didn’t want him to think that it was his fault, because it wasn’t. But, during that time the memories of what happened in the ER came flooding back into my mind. He was so gentle and held me telling me everything is going to be ok. We have this thing, when I’m not doing well, he holds me in his arms and shshshsh….
On May 27th I went to see my doctor. She confirmed that I truly was in physical pain. At first it seemed as though she was telling me the mental anguish was the reason for feeling physical pain until she looked and noticed something truly was out of place. She asked if this was normal and I said, I don’t know. She then proceeded to give me homework to exercise my lower area 2 to 3 times a day. This was very difficult for me to do as I was taught to never touch down there. You would think as a married woman it wouldn’t bother me, but yet it does. My doctor requested several weeks off from work to allow myself to grieve, and finally, I did.
I finally picked up a book from one of my friends and reading the book from front to back helped. It allowed me to realize I am not alone, there is no right or wrong way to geieve, grieving and the duration is different for many people. A friend of mine and I went to a craft store where we painted ceramics. Allowing my creativity flow helped me. So, I went back two more tines! I worked with glass art and painted another ceramic! Also, I finally got over my pride and began seeing a counselor. For the first few weeks she was asking questions, but it was more like me flooding her with information. I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to hide within myself, not showing myself, but I just couldn’t do that anymore. Finally, someone who is not only willing to listen to me, but help me. We have uncovered so much trauma and grief in my past that we will be working through it together.
Yesterday I called the hospital and another woman on the other end of the phone just went through what I had several months back. Talking with her was like talking with an old dear friend. Her management called back and said, I won’t have to pay the bill!!! Praise YHWH!!!!! Now I am a person who likes to keep on top of my finances, but I personally beleive if you are not going to purchase rotten food from a grocery store or a cracked/broken glass, why would it be any different for your health??? Your health is vital and important for you to live. WithoutWithout life, there is no living.